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Forgiven?
It was 1973 when Roe vs. Wade was decided by the Supreme Court. Less than a
year from that ruling, myself and an accomplice made a decision to commit
murder. Not only did we commit this crime, but we got away with it. No
investigations, no arrests, no accusations. We just walked. Walked...with
nothing left behind but the memory, which was, and has been, the worst of
it. The memory; the anguished memory of the murder of an infant child, my
child.
Personally, I didn't
have to do much except to conspire with my partner, pay someone to murder
the child and then leave the state. I didn't even have to leave, except
there was something about this particular crime that made me want to get as
far away as possible from the "scene" and my accomplice.
My accomplice happened
to be a beautiful young woman who was about six weeks pregnant. She assisted
me in the crime by simply stating that if our relationship was not going to
continue, it wasn't, she did not want to have the child, our child, she was
carrying.
I was able to concoct
any number of reasons to agree with her, rationalizing that this particular
choice was best for both of us. At least, this way we would both be free.
Free of the stigma of the unwed mother, free of my embarrassment and
responsibility to the mother, and yes, free of the child. It sounded
reasonable, easy, and now it was legal.
The simplest way out
for both mother and father was to abort...to kill the child. It was clean
and sage; the baby was killed in a hospital. I didn't even get my hands
bloody, someone else did that. I was in another state and just paid the
bill.
I had an off-season
job to attend to, my third season with the Cleveland Browns to prepare for
and a life to continue. My life did continue and so did the life of the dead
child's mother. That I know from an embittered letter I received during
training camp. A letter full of hate, grief and blame for what I had done to
this grieving, childless mother. She didn't leave her return address, so I
couldn't write to say I was sorry.
As time passed, my own
sorrow over this incident began to become more apparent. Marrying, having
two healthy and beautiful children, watching them grow and mature, wrenched
to consciousness the memory of my crime. But it was legal! Why the guilt,
why the remorse? Why did it take ten years of marriage before I could tell
my wife?
As a Christian I
prayed for forgiveness and, intellectually, conceded that I was forgiven.
But still the grief over the loss of my child remained, as did the fact that
I had caused its murder. Could God really forgive me? I write to tell you
yes...unequivocally yes!
Over the years, my
faith has grown enough to realize that God is greater than sin. Yesterday,
today and forever, God is the One who has overcome the sins of the world! In
doing that, He most certainly has overcome my sin and He can, if you let
Him, overcome yours.
I suppose that some of
you may think I am still trying to vindicate myself. It is possible, but
entirely unnecessary. My sharing this story publicly is a result of God's
forgiveness not an attempt to obtain it. It is His mercy that compels me to
share with those who still carry with them their hellish burden of guilt.
Those of you who have come to know the Lord, do not confuse remorse with
guilt, nor let grief bind you any more to blame. It is Jesus who has taken
all blame, our blame, once and for all upon himself. It is He alone, who can
heal your anguished heart.
I trust that God, in
His infinite mercy, is reaching out to you with these words, "It is you
who must lift me higher! Do not let your sins blind you to my glory. I am,
indeed, greater than the sin of this world, and my love for you has
triumphed over all sin, even yours. Be comforted in my love for you. In my
victory be healed of your guilt. I am ever with you, ever desiring your
fellowship, having given my life's blood to restore your soul to mine. Be
restored...be at peace. For it is I, not you, who alone is able to win you
from the pain of guilt, to the comfort of my eternal love."
As for me?
Guilty? Yes.
Forget? No.
Forgiven? Absolutely
Authors Note:
My se of the term "murder" in this article is technically
incorrect. Not because I believe it otherwise, but because Roe vs Wade has
made it so. Legally, it matters not how our God or the human conscience
defines murder, our government has defined it by the Roe-Wade decision. One
wonders what the government might define next. Scary isn't it.
Craig
P. Wycynsky
Cleveland
Browns, #67
1970,
1972 & 1973
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